New Ab Workout

For those of you looking for a new way to work your abdominal muscles, do I have a workout for you! I call it the Respiratory Infection Ab-ercise, or RIA for short. This thing is going to be all the rage, and the best part is that it does not cost a cent to get started*.

Here is how to begin:
If you have small kids, take them to a park, church, preschool, or daycare, and let them play with the other kids. This is a nearly foolproof way to bring some sort of bug home with you. If you do not have kids, you can borrow a grandchild, niece, nephew, or a friend's child. In a pinch you can ask to borrow someone else's kid at the playground, but do this only as a last resort, as parent's tend to find it creepy when childless adults hang out around the playground and ask to borrow other peoples' children. If you have absolutely no access to small children, do not despair, sometimes (as in the case of our test subject) a severe allergy attack can bring on the same symptoms.

If you rarely get sick (or do not live with small children), some additional preparation may be required in order to bring about symptoms. One of the easiest ways to bring on a lowered immune system is lack of sleep. I recommend starting a good book that you will have difficulty putting down. If you have small children, sleep deprivation is not hard to come by; in fact, it is a natural byproduct of the parenting process. If you do not enjoy reading, or find that you possess too much self-control to allow yourself to stay up all night reading, drastic measures may be necessary. I' am talking about World of Warcraft, the most addicting massive multi-player online role-playing game of all time. After a few days of playing WoW, you will have no desire to see your family ever again or to engage in frivolous pursuits such as eating and sleeping. Yes, your body will be exhausted and the perfect place for a respiratory infection to set up shop.

Once you have a respiratory infection, the RIA practically takes care of itself. Your lungs will fill up with fluid and your body will try so hard to expel those fluids that your abdominal muscles will clench in agony virtually all day long. You will cough (thus working your Abs) all day and, if you are fortunate, all night as well. This will interfere with your sleep, but do not dismay - sleeplessness further inhibits your immune system, prolonging your intense Ab-ercise experience. If you are lucky, your cough will be so severe that you will not be able to keep down any food or water, and while fitness is really the focus of the RIA program, minor weight loss can be an added bonus. While you may be tempted to let your respiratory infection develop into full-blown pneumonia, this is not advised; the doctors and medication that follow bouts of pneumonia tend to counteract the severe cough reflex that is necessary for RIA to work your muscles effectively.

A few days on the program is usually sufficient to bring about noticeable change in the strength and tone of your Abdominals. While no guarantee is implied, participants in a recent study** experienced dramatic results. They described results from one week on RIA as being similar to an entire month's worth of Abs of Steel.

Disclosure: While it is true that the RIA program can bring on extreme discomfort, Bonnie F, Inc. (hereafter referred to as "the company") recommends that you get over it. After all, no pain, no gain! By choosing to participate in RIA, you agree to release the company from all liability related to injury or illness resulting from RIA.
* Although RIA does not have startup fees, there may be hidden costs later in doctor bills.
**By study, the company means a case study performed on one Bonnie F, the author of this blog.